Broken Thoughts

There was an international writer's convention in Iceland this week. All card-holding members of the World Organization of Writers (W.O.W) had to attend, or risk losing their licenses. They drafted a proposal which stated that "we, the writers of the world, proclaim that the muse visits while we are writing, not before".

President W. Bush claimed this was a conspiracy by the Axis of Evil to encourage hard-working Americans to read & write (!). In a white House press release, the president stated that "writing was just as un-American as universal healthcare, communism, homosexuality, stem-cell research, diplomacy and anything else they do in France". To further his point, the press release intentionally misspelled the words healthcare, communism, homosexuality and stem-cell.

Bin Laden appeared in a tape later that evening on AlJezira, denouncing the Muse's Visit as "a sinful display of debauchery! The improperly-veiled muse would visit a non-related male while he is writing (In Islam, naturally only men are allowed to write) and seduce him to fornicate with her. It is yet further proof that western infidels seek only to destroy the moral fiber of our young men while they are transcribing Allah's names (in Islam, nothing else is worth writing) on the side of bazookas we are firing against the infidels."

Al Musto Lopez, spokesman for the Latina Immigration Reform Coalition, said this incident yet again proves how vital Latino immigrants are to the American economy, for they are take up tasks that Americans refuse to perform, like reading & writing. Without Latinos, he questioned, "How will the average hard-working American understand his TV guide? That's a lot of Palabras....I mean words. Who will read them their TV guides out loud for $5.95 an hour? Certainly not the terroristos"
And in a statement released from the heavenly palaces, God - who had retired from the spotlight and had not been seen in public in nearly two millennia, following the tragic death of his son in a hit-and-crucify accident by an unidentified Roman Legionnaire (Police believe the suspect may have fled across the borders to Mexico, or the Incas, as it was called back then) - said it warmed his heart to know that his legacy as the World's Greatest Writer has inspired so many others to follow suit. God is best known for his two best selling novels "The Torah: All you need to know about my Chosen People" and "The Bible: Why I sent my son to die for your sins". Both novels have been best-sellers for centuries, with millions of people around the world claiming it is their ultimate guide to understanding this world and life itself. God is also responsible for a number of key accomplishments, including the creation of the world itself, the death of the millions of human beings who read his book, and millions who didn't, wars, volcanoes, earth quakes (the term "natural disaster" and "god's work" can be used interchangeably) as well as the design of the highly controversial platypus (some argue it of all his 'animal creations', that was the most downright 'retarded'). He has also been suspected of writing "The Quran: The guide to an Austere Life" under the guise of a nom-de-plume (the book was signed Allah, and for years, readers have asserted that it is god in fact who wrote it anonymously, fearing backlash from the avid readers of his first two best-sellers. God has repeatedly denied the allegation, stating that he does not speak Arabic and that he has never met Mohammed, though he admitted that they might have chatted online before Mohammed started claiming they were "meant to be together" and began stalking him)

Entertainment weekly published pictures of God parading in a Speedo on Malibu beach. The picture showed him cuddling with a handsome young man of Hispanic heritage. A comparative analysis of god's nose showed he may have undergone Rhinoplasty. The magazine claims there is evidence to suggest he may have "undergone a little Lipo too".

Shakespeare congratulated god on his return from early-retirement, reminded him that it is HE who is truly the world's greatest writer. Shakespeare asserted that surely, no one could compare the poetic epiphanies of "The Tempest" or "A mid-Summer Night's Dream" to the simple-minded, simple-worded commands of say, Leviticus in the Old Testament. Shakespeare compared God's writing to computer code like C++ "totally incomprehensible and stupid". He also hinted that God may have plagiarized other writers, as both the Bible and the Torah lack coherence, continuity or even a writer's voice. "Dude, it's as if god just copied & pasted a few articles from the New York Post and made a collage of the little pieces. It's totally pathetic".

God responded by ordering Bin Laden to kill Shakespeare